Thursday, 11 February 2016

Who am I?

Right now, I would really appreciate the ability to mind read. I find it so frustrating that I don't know what other people think of me and who I am as a person to them.  Because, sometimes, I actually don't know myself.

I would love to say that I am one of those people who doesn't give a damn about what people think of me, but I do care. I care a lot. It's not the fact that I want to follow the latest trends and use the newest slang terms or coat myself in make up to look a certain way because I don't! I have my own style etc. It's just, I don't want people to not like me or see a negative personality trait in me or something. (I do know that nobody is perfect, but still...)

I often think that I am only "the diabetic" to most of my peers. With no depth to me. I presume that people don't see the clothes I wear, hear my opinions properly or identify me by my actions. I presume that they see my test kit and blood sugars, hear my insulin pump and identify me by my low/high episodes. I guess will never really know if that is true, but I suspect it certainly is the case with people who don't know me very well. 
I feel like every single part of me is founded in medicine. And I don't like that. My blog is diabetic-based and my twitter is diabetic-based. I volunteer, do school work and present at conferences to try and get into medicine. So, who am I without all the medical and the diabetes? I don't know. 

I think this perception of me to my peers and my worries about it is because of how prominent it is in my everyday life. I'm very vocal about my diabetes, often thinking out loud when I'm monitoring or treating blood sugars. Or sometimes bringing up the issues surrounding my diabetes in unrelated conversations, for instance, having a chat about alcohol and then linking it to low blood sugars. I also don't hide my test kit or insulin pump because I feel that having my condition out in the open is easier for me and my friends get used to it very quickly that way. 

However, I always worry about the fact that I push my diabetes onto other people and I worry that I'm too attention-seeking. So, it is comforting when my friends ask me a question or peer over my shoulder at my blood sugar because it shows that they are interested and I'm not boring them with it everyday! 


(I say all this, moaning, but actually I do want to become a doctor. So, I've chosen a profession in even more medical stuff, which goes against everything I've just said...)

So, what I'm doing is trying out new hobbies. I feel like if I do something completely for myself that is relaxing and enjoyable at the same time as being a challenge. It will be down time from working and it will help me build another part of my personality. I used to read all the time, so I'm probably going to do that along side whatever hobby I find fun! So... I love music (especially singing) and I love writing. I've decided to have a go at continuing playing guitar or keyboard, maybe attempt to write a fiction book (I know, mad and unrealistic - but fun!) or combine them and songwrite? I have a lot of time on my hands in the next half term holidays so I will be trying my hand at a little baking (I'm thinking banana and chocolate muffins or sausage rolls). I toyed with the idea of photography but went off that very quickly. I also thought about something sporty as I'd like to do a little more exercise so that is a possibility too.

I'm going to try everything!






2 comments:

  1. Good for you. You will find your thing, and once you start medical studies you'll be surrounded by like-minded people too. I remember feeling similar at your age, even without a medical condition, so I imagine - now that I'm ancient, and know everything ;) - that everyone around you is feeling the same.

    Confidence is a tough thing to build, whoever you are. When I went to uni it was almost like starting again, with people who took me at face value, and that was a good feeling. That said, there were people who liked me, and rated me, and I'm sure there were lots who didn't. What I do know now is that actually, it doesn't really matter what other people think of you, if you're happy with who you are, and you know you're a good person. Dwell on yourself for a while, and think about what you need, rather than what others think. I know it's hard sometimes, but you'll figure it out if you follow your instinct x

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    1. Yes, I'm really looking forward to going to university and 'finding myself'! I have to admit I am guilty of wondering how I will come across to other people depending on what I do in my spare time - which is not a great way to start haha! And thank you for the comment, everything I read like that really motivates me and reassures me so, thank you!

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